Not a real update. But hey, at least it's something.

I know I haven't written anything in a long while so I felt like it was time for me to contribute a little. The beer in Korea is fantastic (if you like the taste of water that is.) I have very little to contribute on that discussion because it has been so long since I tasted a decent beer, I have forgotten entirely what that was like. So instead, I am going to make a list of the crazy food and drinks which I have consumed in the past six months.

Soju- the drink of choice for Koreans. It tastes like watered down vodka, which it essentially is at 40 proof.

Cass and Hite- the two most popular Korean beers, completely indistinguishable from one another. They both taste like nothing at all.

Kimchi- spicy pickled cabbage, served with every meal.



My uber-rich kindergarten boss purchased a $500 bottle of a liquor made from the crushed eyes of tuna fish when he took us out to dinner the other night.

Cooked Silk worm larvae- a traditional Korean snack that in my humble opinion tastes atrocious.

I eat a lot of really good sushi.

Dried squid is served at a lot of bars instead of peanuts. Alongside the squid dried minnows and sardines are served, complete with dipping sauces.

Beksaeju- The drink of mountain hikers. Yes hiking and drinking go hand in hand in this beautiful country. There is nothing like leaning over a 500 foot cliff after consuming this sweet tasting, milky liquor.

Traditional Korean breakfasts- Tofu stew in particular; looks like vomit and after a night of heavy drinking is enough to produce some.

Math Vaccine

Preface: When Koreans translate their language into English, for whatever purpose be it an advertisement, music lyrics, or an official proclomation, they usually end up directly translating without adding any articles and you end up with what is essentially Konglish.

I was walking through the streets of Jin Ju this weekend when I stumbled across a poster on the side of one of the buildings which was advertising a math vaccine. Now I couldn't know if this was actually some miracle product or the result of a poor translation, but it sure got me thinking. What the hell kind of a doctor would stick you with a math vaccine? Would there be any side effects? But most importantly, would the vaccine enhance your mathematical genius or, and I really hope this is the case, does the vaccine make you immune to math? How cool would that be, if you were free from the metaphysical shackles of math? Numbers would just bounce off of you like you were rubber. You could walk up to the check out, holding hundreds of dollars worth of groceries, hand the poor sap at the register a fiver, and walk right out the door whistling dixie, because what the hell do you care if you just stiffed the guy a couple hundred, you're math-proof.

Yes, this really is how my brain works.

Life

My aunt Martha died on Saturday morning. As you may or may not know, she was diagnosed with cancer just five and a half months ago, but cancer is an aggressive, unforgiving bitch and she was gone faster than any of her doctors anticipated. So I am dealing with that…or at least trying to. Being this far away from my family at a time like this is difficult. I did get to say goodbye to her, so I don’t feel like there were things left unsaid, and I don’t feel as guilty about not being there as I had anticipated. When this opportunity came up, Martha told me to go for it, even though she knew that it meant that I wouldn’t be moving to Portland to be with her. She even said she was proud of me.
She is being cremated, but there is a remembrance ceremony for her on November 10th. The date was chosen to accommodate a number of people who want to attend but need some time to make travel plans (like me for example). So yesterday, I discussed my situation with my supervisor and asked to take off the eighth, ninth, and twelfth, so I could fly to Portland for the weekend. He talked to the vice president of the school, who is not the most understanding woman I have ever met (ok, she’s a bitch), and came back to tell me that the school could not let me go because “in the past we(the school) have had foreign teachers fly home and never come back. You(me) can not go because we don’t want to lose you.” I was dumbfounded when I left work yesterday. What…the...fuck?
So now I have to convince them that I am not actually flying home, and that I do in fact enjoy my life over here and have every intention of boarding my return flight. I am pissed. Their concerns, while they may be legitimate in some cases, have no bearing in my situation and I hate the fact that because some other teacher skipped town on them I can’t go back to the US for one weekend.
But, other than that my life here is grand. Seriously. I have made a bunch of new friends who hale from myriad locales including Ireland, England, Germany, Canada, Uzbekistan, Russia, India, South Africa, Korea(obviously, and the US. Many of us have become super fans for the Suwon Samsung Bluewings (the local professional soccer team). We sit in the diehard fan section behind the North goal and sing, shout, and cheer our way through the entire 90 minutes. It is a tad difficult at time because the majority of the cheers and songs are in Korean, but I just mimic the sounds of the words and hope that no one notices. And yes, they do sing We Are The Champions in Korean, at the end of each winning game.
This coming weekend I am traveling by bus to the Southern tip of the Korean peninsula to visit a world famous (being featured on the travel channel qualifies it as such, in my book) lantern festival in Jin Ju. It is my first real excursion to a different region of the country, outside of my trips to Seoul, since I arrived here, and I hope to travel much more over the coming months. This country is beautiful, there is so much to see, so many towering mountains to climb.

Miscommunications

My transition has been mostly smooth, but there have been a few moments when I found myself wondering “just what the hell have I gotten myself into?”
If any of you have ever spoken with an Asian who learned English as a second language then you will know that they have a difficult time pronouncing certain letters; most prominently S, F, P, R, and L.
The following is a conversation I had with one of my Korean co-workers just last week. His English is a bit...interesting.
The scene: I am approaching the entrance to my school, which is located on floors 4-7 in a nine story office building, when I come across Atom, one of the school’s employees, is wearing slacks, a blue dress shirt, and for reasons unknown a flamboyant sash across his chest.

Me: Hi there Atom. What are you up to?

Atom: I am f***ing.

Me: (Having stopped walking, stunned) I’m sorry I didn’t hear you right, what are you doing?

Atom: (More slowly, so that I could better understand him) I...am...f***ing...right over there. (He points around the corner)

Now I will be the first to admit that I don’t quite have a firm grasp on Korean culture quite yet but I just could not believe that Atom had just finished copulating around that corner...

Me: Who were you f***ing?

Atom: The parents. I am f***ing them. Helping them f**k.

Me: (dumbfounded) You were f***ing multiple people...just now?

Atom: Yes. There more f***ing in basement and in back.

Me: (warily) So have you been doing this for while now?

Atom: Yes. I am f***ing all morning. F***ing this car, that car, all car. Always f***ing.

Me: (Realizing what the f*** he has been talking about this whole time) You mean you have been PARKING cars all morning? Helping the parents Park their cars?

Atom: Yes. I am f***ing. Must go. More parents need f***ing.



This is my life in Korea.

I'm a bit tipsy

As the title supposes, I am a bit tipsy. This is because on this night I decided to go out with all of my English-born co-workers and many of my fellow Korean teachers for a night of Hof, Soju, Chicken, and Nore-Bang! For you who ae not well versed in the Korean lingo that would be Beer, slightly watered-down vodka (the national tonic), Fried chicken (ala b-dubs), and Karaoke. If you know me, you should know that this was my kind of night. My play-lisst included a little Neil Diamond, The Darkness (oh! you don't think think I can pull off I believe in a thing called love, well fuck you cuz I can and I scored 100/100) Oasis, and Van Morrison. But everyone got into it and it wa one hell of a time. I will update you soon on who "everyone" is, but that is for another entry when I am more sober and writing more coherently. As a matter of fact, the only reason I am writing in this thing is one: to get down my very important thinkings and thoughts for posterity's sake, and two: because when I hung up on Bri (Second official blog shout out) her last words to me were to update my freaking blog.
Which brings me to my point. And I know this will be difficult to understand, and even more difficult to believe, but as life would have it, when I moved from the U.S. to South Korea, went from being a 7.5 (I hope I was at least that) at home to a 9.5 here in Korea. I don't know how it happened, but I honestly have women competing for my affection for the first time in my life. Well, discounting the fourth grade anayway. Even the Korean men tell me I am handsome. This is weird. But beyond that, and the complications from two of my co-workers actively seeking me out, life is fantastic since I moved into mt humble apartment. I promise I will write more soon when I am coherent and totally sober. But until then, I hope you all live wonderful lives.

Leaving tired.

Well today is the day! In just 12 hours I will be boarding a 12 hour flight bound for Tokyo to be followed by a mush shorter hop across the sea to Seoul where I will be living and working for the next twelve months. My bags are all packed, finally, and I am ready to get this show on the road. In fact, this show should have been on the road over a week ago, but because of the United States Postal Services’ vendetta against me, I didn’t receive my overnighted work visa overnight and thus my itinerary was pushed back by eight days. I know this entry is short but it is to the point (the point being that I am leaving today and I am too tired to update on much else in my life). So goodnight and good luck. The next time I write it will be from Korea. I promise, for real this time.